THE NEED TO BLEED


The only times I ask myself these questions is when I am still involved in the process of suffering from the action-reaction dance of my own choices. I asked my little one once if she knew the difference between a human being and an animal. She looked at me with a blank stare. Why would she? At the time she was 4 years old and figuring out the differences was not yet on the schedule of importance. That never stops me from continuing to inform. I proceeded and told her that the difference between the two lies in a CHOICE. A human being has a choice, while an animal reacts according to its own unique Code.

So why does it sometimes feel like there is no choice? Why was I so many times unable to see that which is so clear to me now? Why was all that pain and suffering necessary? It would seem cruel to inform my little one of partial knowledge, but the opportunity does not always arise easily to give the little bits and pieces that illumine the LEDGE and enable us to KNOW. One night we were in bed, listening to the silence mixing with our movements. I could tell her tiny little hands came across something, oh yes my phone was right there. Her movement stopped at that moment and she was weighing a choice. The next moment I heard a noise and I realized it was my phone clanking against the bed frame. The unmistakable sound of the battery falling out and its final destination, the floor. I missed no beat, I wasn’t angry or upset, hurt or sad, that was my chance. I grabbed her by her arm and said ” Phoenix, Phoenix, listen to your dad. You want to be a Unicorn, a Princess or even a Unicorn Princess, do not make that choice. You knowingly made a wrong choice, and that is what keeps people from becoming“.

It always brings a flood to the surface, a trembling that defies my common sense, a torrent of tears that are waiting to burst through at the slightest flutter of my will. The awareness that my daughters are in this world and the instinctive desire to protect and direct in order to make sure they experience minimal suffering. Their little hands and feet, those smiles that crown my days, yet I have to keep within the surface of my being, the understanding of what my suffering has brought into my life, LIFE.

I have heard of many examples of what comes as a by-product of stress in the world of nature. The story of how the Pearls are born. The story of Lobsters continual struggle between inability to cope with stress of a small shell and having to let it go in order to grow a new one, bigger one. My favorite of all is the story of Salmon, which I will share one day, through my own eyes. Yet animals are unable to observe themselves in the same way, which brings me to the Helium Balloon and seemingly engraved need for experiencing contrast. Contrast and the ability to observe it fully is for me personally the greatest separation between Human beings and animals.

I am sure some of you have heard the metaphor in regards to the Helium Balloon. I have heard of it for the first time not too long ago. It was a sound effect in a song, a murmur in the background. A kid, a helium balloon, the urge to hold on, desire to let go and inevitable loss. I realized how many times I played the game of release and catch the string of the balloon. It always ended up in a loss, mostly by flying outside of my reach or getting popped. Rarely did the balloon run its course and die of natural loss of helium through time. You know, the gradual change in appearance going from readiness to fly off, to a shriveled state unable to lift off. Come to think of it, at those times the death to the balloon would be handed out swiftly in order to gulp down the remainder of gas and sound like a 5 year old nasally girl. Now for some I am sure there was no desire to release, no need to experience the contrast of gain and loss, no need to bleed. For me there was a lifetime of contrast and the missing link was something that I could describe as the biggest HELIUM BALLOON  that ever was falling into my hands. This balloon cannot be released and caught. Its content cannot be gulped down. The only way to hold onto it is to keep myself wrapped in GRATITUDE and AWE. Life and the ability to experience it fully in order to be able to fully give and receive LOVE from this amazing world is all that has real value. Without the observance of contrast, there would always be something to chase after, some small aspect that would seem unexplored, or a dream just about to be reached. But a destination reached without enjoying the process that gets one there is a star that reflects light and has none of its own, offering nothing but darkness once reached.

I have long accepted myself. I have long gave up on the need to fully understand myself. There is nothing behind me worth dwelling on and certainly nothing yummier than this moment right now lying ahead. One does not need to fully understand in order to TRUST. And LOVE without TRUST is nothing more than FEAR posing as LOVE. My Need to Bleed was a blessing and the byproduct of it was specs of light. As the light specs grew in number and the light became brighter, so did my ability to cut through the internal darkness obstructing my sight. Until one day I realized this to be true for me. I AM A HELIUM BALLOON, I DID NOT CONSCIOUSLY PICK THE BALLOON, NOR DID I CHOOSE THE LIGHT THAT FILLS ME, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT DESTINY AWAITS ME AND IN MY INABILITY TO KNOW SUCH THINGS I CAN ONLY ACCEPT. AS I ACCEPT I SEE THAT I AM JUST A SPECK OF LIGHT IN A INFINITE OCEAN THAT FOREVER MORE FLOWS. WHAT A HONOR TO BE HERE ON EARTH AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME.

“Beyond our ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase ‘each other’
doesn’t make sense any more.”

RUMI